InuYasha Discovers Herbal Essences
by Question the Majority
Summary: When Kagome is sick of InuYasha smelling like a mangy dog, our favorite hanyou reluctantly washes his hair and is driven insane by... THE URGE! Can you believe I was cold sober when I wrote this?
1. I

**Disclaimer: **I do not own InuYasha. There was a brief period of time in which I owned Totosai, but that was a weird time in my life that I'd rather not recall. –Matt

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**InuYasha Discovers Herbal Essences**

by Matt Garner

**Chapter 1**

**The Past Stinks**

"C'mon, Kagome!" InuYasha huffed while in his usual pouty position: Arms and legs crossed, bottom lip poked out. "I'd like to get back on Naraku's trail some time TODAY..."

From the lake, which InuYasha had been courteous enough to turn his back to, came the reply "I'm coming, I'm coming! I'm getting dressed right now!"

Now dressed and still drying her hair, Kagome walked up behind InuYasha and stated "You know, it wouldn't hurt _you_ to take a bath once in a while, InuYasha!"

"WHAT?" the half-demon barked, hopping to his feet, "Hey! I bathe! I just don't take weeks at a time to do it like YOU do!"

"Hmmph! Well maybe you should! At least then you'd smell better!"

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" he snarled, one eyebrow raised in false threat.

"It means," Kagome curtly explained, arms folded, "That you smell like a mangy, stray dog! Especially your hair!" she added with a sniff. "Couldn't you at least try using some soap or shampoo for once?"

InuYasha's golden eyes blinked in confusion.

"Sh-shammm-poo?" he questioned, furry ears twitching curiously.

Kagome squeaked with embarrassment.

"Oh! Silly me!" she laughed, her cheeks a bright pink, "I forgot you don't have that yet! I'll have to bring you some from the future!"

"Hmmph, yeah, I guess so..." he said grumpily, folding his arms once more and closing his eyes. "If you're such a baby thatcha' can't even be around me without it..." Opening his eyes again, InuYasha realized that the Japanese teenager was nowhere to be found. "Huh? H-hey! Kagome! Where'd you go? Arrgh!"

**Chapter 2**

**The Urge to Herbal**

**(or "Matt Throws His Reputation Out the Window")**

Clad in a bikini, Kagome stood in the lake with her hands on her hips and grumbled at the stubborn hanyou who was standing on the shore and defensively dipping his toes into the water as if he were afraid of it attacking him.

"InuYasha! Quit being such a baby and just get in the water already!"

"Hold yer horses!" he shrieked back at her, "That water's cold and it's even worse when my clothes get wet!"

"Well I offered you a pair of swimming trunks, but NOOOOOOooooo... You wouldn't wear them!"

Now it was InuYasha's turn to blush (somewhat angrily). He pointed to the "trunks" (which much more closely resembled a speedo) and screamed "I ain't wearin' somethin' like that in front of you! The people of the future have an important lesson to learn about modesty!"

"You never said anything about my bathing suit!" she called back with increasing annoyance.

Darting his eyes around and blushing, InuYasha muttered something along the lines of _"Yeah, well, that's different..."_

Already frustrated with InuYasha's mulish behavior (and mad that she couldn't get him into a revealing pair of "shorts"), Kagome grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him into the lake. InuYasha squealed like a little girl and glared daggers at her while sitting drenched in chilly water.

"Okay, so what NOW, Miss Queen-of-Hygiene?"

"Here," she said, picking up the bottle of shampoo, "This stuff is called 'Herbal Essences'..."

"I thought you said it was called 'shampoo'?"

"It is..."

"Then whydja' call it 'Her--"

"Nevermind, here..."

InuYasha snarled childishly as Kagome squirted shampoo into his silvery hair.

"HEY!"

"Stop fidgeting around, InuYasha!" she sighed, "And close your eyes or you'll get shampoo in them and that REALLY stings..."

"I don't see what's so great about puttin' flowery-smellin' slime in yer hair that makes yer eyes sting..." he complained, though the sensation of Kagome's fingers running through his hair _was_ rather soothing... **BUT DON'T TELLER HE THOUGHT SO OR HE'LL HAFTA' BEATCHA UP SO BAD IT WON'T EVEN BE FUNNY!**

"What's 'so great' about it is that it'll make you smell good," Kagome explained in a happier tone than she had been using previously.

Wrinkling his nose in distaste, he whined "Yeah, I'll smell like a woman. Don't sound that great to me..."

But just then, something strange happened. A funny tingling sensation seemed to run through InuYasha's scalp, making his ears twitch.

"Hey, whaddaya' doin', Kagome?" his voice squeaked awkwardly.

"Washing your hair..." Kagome answered with a look of confusion in her deep brown eyes.

"No, not that, I mean..." Now that odd tingling decided to run down his spine and make his ears twitch even more while he took a deep breath and made an "eeEEEeeeEEE..." sound.

Kagome blinked and raised an eyebrow. That was certainly weird! But it got even weirder (and creepier) as the dog-eared boy continued to make the sort of sounds she had only heard him make in certain dreams--I mean... You didn't hear anything from me!

Meanwhile, InuYasha shivered and made "weird" sounds as he was overcome with a pleasantly unsettling sensation that he had only experienced before in a few choice dreams about Kikyo... or Kagom--OKAY, OKAY! You get the idea!

Blushing fiercely, Kagome cleared her throat and stammered "Uh... I-InuYasha?"

She was cut short by the boy screaming "I LOVE YOU!"

"InuYasha!" Kagome gasped, her face now a bright cherry red. "I... I didn't know you cared!"

"NO! NOT YOU!" he snapped with a wild look in his eyes. He then grabbed the bottle of shampoo and nuzzled it lovingly, with a smile of pure contentment on his face. "YouuUuuUuuUuuuu..."

Kagome half-closed her eyes and stuck out her lip. "Okay, okay, smart guy... Gimme the bottle back..."

"NEVER!" InuYasha screamed, "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

And with that, he dashed off, still clutching the bottle of shampoo and screaming "Behold my power!"

Kagome stared, wide-eyed at him and groaned "I think I've created a monster..."


	2. II

**InuYasha Discovers Herbal Essences**

by Matt Garner

**Chapter 3**

**What Hast Shampoo Wrought?**

"Kaede! Kaede!"

Kagome screamed frantically for the old priestess as she ran just as frantically into the village. Fortunately, Lady Kaede just HAPPENED to be right there at the village entrance, with Myoga the flea just a-sittin' there on her shoulder! How's that for convenience, eh?

"Yes, child?" Kaede answered comfortingly, "Whatever is the matter? What troubles ye so?"

Gasping for breath, Kagome breathed "Inu... InuYasha... He's... He's running around acting like a lunatic..."

"We know," sighed Myoga as both he and Kaede pointed behind themselves to indicate a certain silver-haired half-demon leaping about and cartwheeling all around the village singing "Do You Know the Muffin Man?"

"So then, Kagome..." Kaede asked, "Dost thou have any knowledge as to why our traditionally surly friend, InuYasha, now behaves so erratically?"

"RICE PUFFS!" screamed InuYasha from a distance.

Ignoring the bizarre outburst, Kagome said "I really don't know, Kaede! I was just washing his hair with some 'Herbal Essences,' and--"

But she was cut short by gasps from both of her audience members.

"NO!" squeaked Myoga.

"This cannot be!" added Kaede.

Kagome blinked vacantly. "Umm... Would you two mind explaining what's so terrible, please?"

Kaede took a deep breath and gave Kagome a deadly serious stare. "Kagome," she breathed, "This is a matter far worse than anything ye can comprehend!"

Kagome blinked vacantly. "What?"

"Allow me to explain, Lady Kaede," Myoga offered. "You see, Lady Kagome, supernatural beings such as Lord InuYasha are often highly sensitive to certain emotional or physical sensations and, if unfamiliar with such an experience..." His beady little eyes widened immensely as he finished, "...the subject may be driven insane!"

Instinctively clasping her hands to her mouth, Kagome gasped "You mean..."

"Aye," Kaede nodded gravely "There is little in this world more dangerous than a hanyou under the influence of orgasm-inducing hygiene products..."

**Chapter 4**

**The First to Fall**

And so, our beloved heroes Kagome, Miroku, Sango, and Shippo were soon gathered together to put a stop to InuYasha's heinous plan!

"I don't get it..." Shippo stated innocently whilst petting Kilala's head, "Why's InuYasha actin' so funny over some dumb ol' hair-soap?"

"I fear you are too young to comprehend, Shippo..." was Miroku's soft reply. "It concerns a physical impulse which becomes very important to people as they grow older..."

Shippo blinked and tilted his head. "Huh?"

Miroku pursed his lips, then shrugged. "Well, if you want to know--**ACK!**"

"We'll tell you when you're older," Sango answered after clocking Miroku upside the head with her gargantuan boomerang.

"Alright, everyone," said Kagome in her most heroic voice, "This is a very important mission! According to Myoga..." At this point, Myoga waved from his perch atop Kagome's head. "...InuYasha has gone completely insane! We've GOT to stop him before he takes over the entire world!"

The three companions blinked.

"Takes over the world?" Sango asked incredulously.

Ruffled, Myoga snapped "Of course! He IS a demon, after all! He has the power to conquer the world and ALL demons want to do that!"

"I don't..." squeaked Shippo.

"You don't count."

Sighing dramatically in hopes of impressing either Kagome or Sango with his sensitivity (and failing beautifully), Miroku said "Whether the fate of the world is at stake or not, we must see to it to calm InuYasha if for the only reason that he is our friend."

"HAH!"

Everyone looked about for the location of the mysterious scoffer.

"Scoff scoff!" scoffed InuYasha as he leaped down from the tree in which he had been spying on them all. "You'll never defeat the all-powerful InuYasha! This world is MINE to do with as I so desire!"

"InuYasha," Sango pleaded, "Truly think about what you're saying! What in Heaven's name would possess you to act this way?"

Staring at her with an indeterminate glint of insanity or perhaps self-revelation in his eyes, InuYasha explained "You don't understand, Sango... This shampoo..." He held up the bottle of Herbal Essences to illustrate his point, "This glorious, most-holy concoction has opened my eyes! With this, I have experienced indescribable feelings which I have never known before!"

"So..." Miroku asked, a devious grin on his face, "What? You've never--"

"_NO, I HAVEN'T!"_ snapped InuYasha while blushing, "Now keep your dirty little imagination to yourself, you perverted monk!" With that, InuYasha aimed the shampoo bottle at Miroku and knocked him flat on his butt with a well-timed blast of Herbal Essence.

"EAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" the monk shrieked while falling backward in slow motion.

"INUYASHA!" the remaining friends gasped.

"HOW COULD YOU?" finished Kagome.

"Fools!" the half-demon cackled, "You think you can defeat the almighty Lord InuYasha? NEVER!" He then stood and laughed maliciously with his hands up in the air for a good five minutes, blinked, then whapped his forehead and said "Oh right. Run away..." then skedaddled off.

Taking chase, Shippo and Kagome both yelled "Not so fast, InuYasha!" in unison. Sango, however, remained behind for just a moment.

"Miroku..." she whispered, tears filling in her dark eyes. She knelt down and ran her fingers through his (herbal fresh!) hair, urging "Miroku... Are you alright? Please... Please say something!"

"I... I'm alright..." the young monk coughed, "I'll be fine, Sango... Don't worry about me. Just... (cough cough) help our dear friend..."

Impressed (and mildly aroused) by Miroku's bravery, and with tears now trickling down her cheeks, Sango nodded and jumped onto Kilala's back as the creature grew to its much larger and more threatening form. "Onward, Kilala! To save InuYasha from himself!"

Shivering and gritting his teeth tightly, Miroku watched the lovely and very fertile monster exterminator leave. Then, once she was out of hearing range, he gave into the evil magic of the URGE, moaning "Ohhhh... BUDDHA, that feels good!"


	3. III

**InuYasha Discovers Herbal Essences**

by Matt Garner

**Chapter 5**

**Another One Bites the Dust**

"NO! NOOOO! STAY AWAY, FOOLS!" InuYasha bellowed, all the while sending blasts of evil sensual hair product at his own friends.

"Careful, Shippo!" warned Kagome as the little kitsune dodged a large dollop of certain gelatinous doom.

Halting to pose proudly, Shippo happily announced "Don't worry, Kagome! Nothing scares Shippo, the Great Fox Youkai!" Just then, InuYasha squirted a heavy dose of Herbal Essences at Shippo.

"EEEEEEEEEEEK! HELP ME, KAGOME! HELP! HELP! _MOMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY_!" the little fox screamed heroically.

"Have no fear, little one!" called Sango as Kilala caught up and both of them leaped in the way of Shippo's impending horror.

"S-sango... Kilala..." Shippo whimpered as the young woman and cat... thingy... collapsed amid violent muscle spasms. "You sacrificed yourselves for me!"

"All is well, friend Shippo..." gasped Sango, noticing the tears in the little boy's eyes. "We shall pull through... For now, save yourself!"

And now you can guess what occurred next. Shippo nodded and scampered off for InuYasha as fast as his little paws could carry him as Kilala and Sango made various noises.

"Wow... Miroku's right," Sango gasped, "That DOES feel good!"

**Chapter 6**

**It Just Goes Down-Hill From Here**

"InuYasha... why are you doing this?"

"Because, Kagome, I am soon going to be King of the World! And I want you to be my Queen!"

"Aww! That's so sweet of you, InuYasha!"

"I know."

"But that still doesn't explain why or HOW you're suddenly enormous and carrying me in one hand while climbing the Empire State Building in Feudal Japan..."

King InuYashaKong thought about this for a moment and shrugged.

"Seemed like the right thing to do," he admitted.

And so, King InuYashaKong reached the top of the Empire State Building (In Feudal Japan... Go figure...) and laughed wildly with his treasured queen and bottle o' shampoo until...

"Hold it right there, InuYasha!"

In flew Shippo in a tiny little biplane, wearing aviator's goggles and chewing on a pretzel rod. (My god, that's the cutest image that's ever popped into my head!)

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning!" Shippo declared as the Ride of the Valkyries played somewhere in the distance.

"What's 'napalm'?" King InuYashaKong asked.

"I don't know!"

Kagome stared curiously at the author and stated "I really don't get this part. Can you rewrite it please?"

Oh alright, fine.

"Get back, Shippo!" Normal-Sized InuYasha demanded, brandishing the shampoo bottle at the little fox-boy while still carrying Kagome on his shoulder... But not while standing on the Empire State Building.

Holding up his hands defensively, Shippo urged InuYasha to "Calm down... We can settle this reasonably, InuYasha. I know you don't want to hurt anyone..."

"Please listen to him, InuYasha!" Kagome begged, "No shampoo is worth this much pain!"

"NO!" InuYasha screamed, "I said 'GET BACK,' Shippo! Lest you endure a form of mind-altering pleasure not meant for one so young and innocent as yourself!"

Quivering in fear, Shippo glanced back at his fallen companions, then to InuYasha, and then to Kagome. After careful consideration, he steeled his nerves and took a step forward.

"Do your worst, InuYasha..." he said.

InuYasha narrowed his eyes "So be it..."

And so Shippo fell over, writhing in agony over having being covered in shampoo. Kagome cried uncontrollably for the innocent little fox kit; however, his reaction was not as expected...

"Y-you FIEND!" Shippo squealed with rage, "How DARE you cover a child in soap? Have you no comprehension of how much children hate being CLEAN?" Then he collapsed. I mean... Yeah, sure he didn't enjoy what happened, but it still put him out of commission.

A wicked smirk curled across InuYasha's lips. Now no one would stand in his way of world domination! Soon, he and Kagome would rule all and...

"NO, INUYASHA!"

Shocked into sobriety, InuYasha staggered backward and looked up to see, floating before him, the luminous face of...

"King Kai!" InuYasha choked, "My old sensei! Wh-what are you doing here?"

"Stopping you from making a GRAVE ERROR, bleah!" spat the chubby little blue roach. "InuYasha," he continued with patronly compassion in his voice, "Look at yourself, bleah... You're acting ridiculous... Even hurting your own closest friends, bleah, all in the name of what? A frickin' shampoo!"

"B-but King Kai!" the half-demon stammered, "It's not JUST a shampoo! It's Herbal Essences! The greatest shampoo known to man!"

"Ah, yes," Kai sighed sagely, "I, too, know the allure of Herbal Essences, bleah... That's why I chopped off the top of my head and had this antennaed yarmulka grafted on!"

InuYasha nodded. "So what should I do, King Kai?" he asked.

"The only thing you CAN do, bleah! Give up this wild life of hair-care products and never touch the stuff again! ... Bleah!"

"You're RIGHT, King Kai! As God is my witness, I shall never wash my hair again!"

"Bleah, my son! Bleah!"

As King Kai faded from existence, InuYasha took a deep breath and set Kagome back down on her feet. Hugging her tightly, he said "It's all over, Kagome! I'll never endanger you and our friends again!"

"Oh, InuYasha..." Kagome cooed, eyes watery, "Do you mean it?"

The now-sober hanyou smiled gently. "I mean it..."

Kagome smiled, then pointed at InuYasha. **"GETTIM!"** She hollered as everyone tackled him.


	4. IV

**InuYasha Discovers Herbal Essences**

by Matt Garner

**Chapter 7**

**What Was I Thinking?**

As the moon and stars twinkled down on the tiny little village, many a forlorn sob rose into the night sky.

"I'm sorry, guys!" InuYasha bawled, "I'm so sorry! I hurtcha', didn't I? I can't believe I did that to you... I'm so sorry!"

"Shhh... there, there, InuYasha," Kagome whispered soothingly, running her fingers through his hair while Miroku, Shippo, and Sango tightened his straitjacket.

"We know you didn't mean to harm any of us, Lord InuYasha," rambled Myoga while sitting on Kilala's back, "But just to be on the safe side, we're going to keep you in your straitjacket for just a little while longer..."

"Okay..." sniffled InuYasha, "I guess I understand..."

"Hey, you know what I was wondering?" Kagome suddenly asked, "In the midst of all this action, where did Kaede go?"

"Oh," Myoga answered helpfully, "Lady Kaede said she was going down to wash her hair..."

All seven friends gasped and looked fearfully at each other.

_BUM-BUM-BUMMMMM!_

**THE END…?**


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